The earliest memory of the start of my mental health deteriorating would probably be in elementary school. Everyday, I would wear multiple layers of clothes - as a comfort to cover up my insecurities and protect me from the dangers of the outside world. Now you may thinking that most people have insecurities and that it’s not my mental health deteriorating. However, the multiple layers of clothing continued as a major part of my life as I got older. The worries worsened every single day. In middle school, I woke up feeling the worse that I had ever felt. Everyday I would feel terrified about everything around me. My daily fears included the way I looked, the grades I made in school, the future and if I would make it to the next grade or not. Because of my fears, I would get angry easily. I’d lash out to everyone around me and my family became fed up. They would wonder why I couldn’t behave properly like a normal teenager.
High school came around. My fears worsened as I became more worried about the future. I locked myself in my bedroom, studying for hours and hours in hopes of making a perfect grade on a quiz or exam. If I ever made a grade below an A, I would cry myself to sleep that night. I blamed myself and despised every fiber of the worries that filled my brain. The rest of my high school continued in this manner as I buried myself in my books.
I don’t exactly remember when I had connected the dots and realized that I had generalized anxiety disorder. However, it took me a long time to accept that it wasn’t normal to have constant worrying thoughts in my head. My identity had become stolen from me because of my anxiety. Most of my teenage years were filled with worry and I never got to discover who I truly was. I absolutely hated my body and worried that I looked too fat to show my arms and legs.
My anxiety wasn’t only related to school but rather was also in my social interactions. Most of the time, I refused to leave my house to avoid feeling anxious around people. I worried what they thought of me. I assumed that everyone found me a burden and I despised myself. I clearly remember walking into a room full of people and my hands were shaking rapidly. I couldn’t breathe properly or talk to anyone around me. It was devastating when I realized I couldn’t even interact with the people around me.
My first year of college rolled around and my anxiety followed me. Most of my freshman year, I never left my dorm. Being away from my family caused me to cry almost everyday in worry that something would happen to them while I was away. I began to try to seek professional help and I was told to write in a journal and participate in deep breathing exercises. Nothing seemed to work for me. Slowly, I began to live with the fact that this was how hard my life was going to be.
I am not sure where my life is going to end up or how I will live with this mental disorder. However, one thing that I know is that it won’t be easy. To all with any mental disorder, you are strong and you are worthy of happiness and love.
To end this blog post, I would like to give some advice to those struggling with any mental disorder. You are brave and strong. I hope my story emphasized how you’re not alone and that it’s okay not to be okay. Having a mental disorder does NOT make you weak. I hope my story encourages you to come to terms with your mental disorder and leads you on the path to recovery.
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